Friday, September 2, 2016

Efficient Beer Line Theory

After living in the midwest my entire life I moved to Portland recently. Thus I am not completely surrounded by morbidly obese binge drinking alcoholics at all times - which is frankly confusing to me since that's all I know and understand.

For instance - one thing that any Bears fan would take for granted is that
From your current location, it will take the same time to get a beer from any of the available options
Let me give you an example - if there is a beer line right by you, it is probably long. If there is one far away, it probably has a shorter line, but it will take you a while to get there (and back). THIS EQUALIZES INSTANTLY BECAUSE ALL DRUNKS ARE CONSTANTLY MONITORING THIS EQUATION. We just take for granted that this is how every human views the world, looking to maximize their booze consumption.


However, in Portland, there are inefficiencies everywhere. I recently was at a show and there were long beer lines and I looked to a different part of the concert hall and there was a short line. This can't be, I thought. If there is a short line, there must be something wrong (like they only have strange alcohol or, God forbid, no booze at all). But I just walked over and got a drink in the short line while all the buffoons stood stock-still in the in-efficient line.

I can't shake this hard-won ability to obtain beer in the most rapid and efficient manner because it is hard wired into my brain after years of midwestern sporting events and bars. Try out this theory next time you go anywhere and you will see for yourself.

Monday, August 22, 2016

Bringing an NFL fan to Soldier Field

Recently I was out drinking with a couple I met in Portland and the husband was a big football fan. He grew up in Kansas and somehow became a Steelers' fan. However, he's never been to an NFL game in his entire life.

I told him about my (doomed) allegiance to the Chicago Bears' even though I've moved away from Chicago and said if he wanted to go to a game and tailgate he could come out for the Bears vs. Lions on October 2nd when we were all getting together. There are only a few games with nice weather in Chicago and a Sunday noon start (as God intended) and this is mostly about it for 2016.

So he's interested. How to introduce a regular, normal NFL fan to what is to occur at Soldier Field? Well Drunk Bear Fans, of course, the most important site on the internet. I showed him some videos and photos of our fans at their very best.

But what else to expect? Likely very bad football, since this is the Bears vs. the Lions. And to a non-midwestern person, an incredible amount of alcohol drunk as fast as humanly possible before, during and after the game. Regular folks don't think that the optimal amount of booze to drink before the game is a 12 pack (each), but that's about right in the South Lot. And then you drink during the game, likely slowing down a bit due mainly to the idiotic logistics required to carry cans up to our nosebleed seats and then pour them, one at a time, into a cup while drunks stumble up and down the stairs in the way of everything.

Terrible food (except during our awesome tailgate). Never eat anything at Soldier Field. This ain't Jerry's world.

If you need to go to the bathroom, go with a few minutes to go before halftime. If you go at halftime, you will be down there so long you will miss the first few minutes of the third quarter. Yes, I guess they forgot that lots of guys are at Soldier Field drinking as fast as they can and that this is something you can "plan for" when you make a stadium. But the Bears didn't.

Lately we've been deafened in the cheap seats by announcements and music. Likely because the crowd is sitting on their hands (a 1-7 home record in 2015 will dampen the enthusiasm a bit).

We'll see what astounds him the most. The long, epic slog to the cheap non PSL seats, the incredible drunks, the bad football, the lack of bathrooms, or the fact that it takes forever to get out of the stadium if you happen to stay until the (likely bitter) end.

But hell I've been looking forward to this game all year!!!

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Ironic Jersey

One of our favorite pastimes here at DBF is the "obscure jersey".  This is a variant of the obscure jersey - in Portland a young-ish (under 30) hipster was wearing a #9 McMahon jersey in a likely ironic fashion.  He probably bought it from a thrift store or something.

At least I used this opportunity to educate my nephew about McMahon and Charles Martin - the Green Bay scumbag who did a body slam on our QB during an interception return and cost the Bears a second Super Bowl.  I said how Bears fans were happy he's dead and gone.  His whole wikipedia page basically discusses this cheap shot - maybe the cheapest shot of all time (probably written by a Bears fan).

Sunday, November 1, 2015

100% Class




This guy was living the DBF lifestyle during halftime at the Vikings game.

Sweatshirt

This guy got tired of explaining the theory of relativity so he just got it printed on his hoodie.



In case you can't read it the sweatshirt says...

Psst.. Packers, Lions and Vikings still suck. F Them. Bears rule this division.

Off the Grid

Lately we've been a bit neglectful here at the most important site on the Internet.

With the Bears being pretty much terrible we haven't been in the South Lot which is the home of drunks.  Tailgating indoors In a more genteel environment or (gasp) even going to the game sober.

Hoping for a better team and more animated drunks next year.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Tailgating innovation

We are in Seattle and in a big lot and since it is legal in Washington they passed around a Seahawks pipe.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Carl, the DBF Santa

Carl Claus, delivering his bag of merriness to the Chicago Park District.

Bongzilla

A few leakers here, but in general, a pretty good effort in the South Lot.

Shotgunning 9-13-15

Why do girls always have problems shotgunning?

Bears vs. Packers 9-13-15

To our dozens of readers!  Here is a nice update of some of the sights and sounds of Soldier Field, associated tailgating lots, and the drunk participants in this theater therein.

As always, security was tight.  Hey - hand over your booze!
 Some guys are just cheap.  But hey, I will give this dude credit.  Pretty creative.  Boston Strong! Go Bears!
 Carl and this gentleman got into an argument that ended up heated at times in the pisser line.  Of course we know this one is an obscure jersey, however the owner of said jersey insists Tom Waddle is a legend of some sort.  It was pretty surreal as to his steadfastness in his argument.
 While I always think it is a good thing for a dad to do things with his boy, playing beanbag by a smelly dumpster amid several thousand badly behaving, intoxicated football fans isn't exactly my idea of how best to bond.  Regardless, this guy is likely doing more for his boy than 95% of fathers everywhere so kudos.  Two soon to be obscure jerseys also add to the photo.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Drunk Bear Fans 2015

For some reason we didn't get that many drunk photos this year... well perhaps it is because this correspondent split 50% of an excellent bottle of gin before the game.


We did see some damn obscure jerseys with these two. Marcus Robinson played last for the Bears in 2002... that's 13 years ago, for those of you at home who are still counting. And Orton... well 'nuff said about him.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Drunk Bear Fans in Green Bay

This article describes the fans arrested at games in Green Bay. Not surprisingly, Bears games and Vikings games have the most arrests, and most of those that they arrest are out-of-town fans, although the stadium staff claims (unconvincingly) that they don't target opposing fans.

I laughed when they mentioned how many more arrests there are for night games than day games, and they blatantly cite that you have more hours of drinking prior to the game if it is at night as opposed to being at noon. No sh*t, sherlock. The most drunken event Dan and I have ever attended in person was the Wisconsin / Nebraska night game (Nebraska's first game at Madison) which started in the evening and the parking lots were completely packed by 6am. That's 12+ hours of solid drinking before the game even starts, which brings out the best in everyone.

Another factor is that if the Slack fans are found being drunk, they can take away their season tickets, which is a giant disincentive. They'd probably kill themselves or their family would kill them on their behalf if an arrest or ejection caused the loss of those tickets. Once a friend of mine got a ticket for smoking on Dan's Bears' tickets and we received a warning which sucked but hey we are in section 17 out of 17 sections so it isn't quite the same as losing tickets which represent literally the only interesting thing to do on a Sunday in northern Wisconsin.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Offseason at Wrigley

I guess it would be better filed under "Drunk Saints Fans" but we saw how George McCaskey was shoved by a fan during a Monday night game, and now that guy was found guilty and sentenced to 6 months supervision. This at his own stadium! You'd think that he'd be at least the one guy who received decent security at Soldier Field.


Recently I was at Wrigley in some of my friends' seats (thanks they were awesome! Not like the seats Dan and I have way up in the sky ha ha) and we could see the chairman Ricketts walking around talking to folks. Everyone seemed to be in a good mood and it was a beautiful night and the Cubs won. When things are going well it probably pays to be an owner. I'm surprised that a Bears fan didn't tackle McCaskey since last season was such a tire fire. Good thing they fired everyone (and ate millions in salaries to pay people on guaranteed contracts) because even if the Bears stink again this year, you can't do much more than fire everybody and then try to find the best new guys available.


If there's one thing you do at Wrigley Field, it is DRINKING. I went to buy a decent beer (not Bud Light) and I found literally the most inefficient process in the universe. They have a few decent beers (Goose Island) and you stand in a line that serves beer AND FOOD (the dumb lady in front of us ordered hot dogs and a pretzel even though there are a million other places that serve that stuff) and this is one of the few stands where you can get non-piss beer. Then literally the slowest guy in the universe walked over in a couple of trips, got the bottles and cans, and poured them ever so slowly into cups. I have to hand it to the guy he let the foam go down and even topped up the cup. It must have taken 5 minutes AFTER I GOT TO HIM IN LINE. Someone else shouted "pretzel" and he added it to my bill and I'm like "I don't want a pretzel" so he then has to void the transaction and I'm not even going to talk about that but you can imagine the rest.

Wrigley Field must be losing a zillion dollars in lost beer revenue from this insane process. The entire point of Wrigley Field is to efficiently shove alcohol into gargantuan sized Illinois residents and tourists and they've got to find a way to make this occur more efficiently or I will go insane just from the lost opportunity. Ricketts - guy in the photo above - you could literally re-build the stadium out of gold bars if you could figure out this beer process. And it is so damn simple...

1) have a "beer only" section with no food
2) have servers who are not 75 years old and are mentally prepared with the concept that "people are in line to buy beer"
3) find any sort of process that doesn't involve 10 steps to acquire the beer and put it in a vessel of some sorts (a cup?)
4) expedite the payment process - hell put in Apple pay - some how drive this faster

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Google Search

Every time I tell people we run a site called "Drunk Bear Fans" they laugh their butt off and whip out their mobile phones and look it up and chuckle. Since we are too lazy to move this site off Blogger (Word Press is frankly way more awesome) I read recently that Google is going to start punishing sites in their rankings if they don't have a good mobile view. We want our (few) fans to be able to see us so we turned on the mobile view from blogger - you have to figure that using Google's own damn mobile format has to qualify you for good mobile features in their eyes. Originally we tried to turn on the dynamic views but it was buggy and people didn't have a ton of bandwidth on their phones but hell that was years' ago so we are back at 'em on mobile views.

Also on a funny note I had a dream that Dan went to a pre-season game and woke up and was like "WTF"?   But then I realized it was a dream and of course he wasn't going to a damn useless pre season game.  This year I will try to go more and get more crazy drunk fan photos since that's what we do best here.  I was frankly demoralized by the ass-kicking that the Bears were getting from other teams and it was just damn depressing to be at Soldier Field as the season fell apart so we gave our tickets away to people who had never been to a Bears game before and that is always cool when they go and are kind of awed by the experience.  Especially the super long walk up to the worst seats in the house, which is where we reside in the Bears' kingdom.  There are 17 sections in the Bears stadium and we have some OK and some right near the top of the deck so I'd say that we are section 17 1/2.   We get our damn money's worth at that price, not a dollar more.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Drunk Bear Fans - A Kid's View

Over here at DBF we usually just stick with the humor.  But there are a lot of obnoxious drunks at any football game.

I talked to my nephew about some of the games that we took him to and here were his "memories".  Makes you un-proud to be a Bears' fan.
I remember when we went to see the Bears when they played in Champaign.  This was when they were remodeling Soldier Field.  I was about 11 or so and my first memory was two giant fat screaming drunk shirtless guys fighting up in the stands.
We also took him to a playoff game - the one against Carolina where Steve Smith caught like 1 million yards against the Bears.  The joke is that he's still running today... more memories from my nephew.
I was wearing a grey high school jacket.  Drunk people thought they were Carolina Panther colors and were coming up to me trying to fight me.
Sad but true Bears' fan memories from a kids' point of view.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Bears Girls

Here were some girls having fun dressed up as "Bears Girls" at the game.


They were funny from the back, too. Love the tiki skirts.


Not that anyone but our 2 fans cares but our DBF site has been a little thin because this season has bitten the dust so badly that we are hardly tailgating and usually giving away the tickets to the game to folks who are excited to go just because they have never been to a Bears game before. Hopefully next year doesn't suck so hard.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Obscure Jersey Treasure Trove

I found these on my camera and forgot I had them.  From the Packer game earlier this year.

Capone!  That is at least new and original.  I sort of like it.
 Johnny Knox.  Poor Johnny Knox.  We used to call him Johnny Motherfucking Knox.  Poor guy took one of the most gruesome hits I have ever seen and is lucky to be walking today.
 Of course, blog favorite Drunk'N Idiot.
 Greg Olsen!  He has gone on to have a very good career at Carolina, but damn I hated that guy while he was here.
 The A-Train.  Remember him?  Anthony Thomas.  He had I think one good year.
 Packer fans get in on the action too.  The funny part about this one is that this guy probably had the Flynn jersey from the first time that Flynn was on the Packers.  GOD I hope we see him on the field again this year.
 Neil Anderson.  Autographed, no less.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

The Site That Writes Itself

'Nuff said.

"Culter"

I hope this guy got a discount on his Bears jersey because they mis-spelled Cutler. Awesome! I can't believe I picked it out of the crowd. I wonder if he even knows that it is a misprint.