Friday, September 2, 2016

Efficient Beer Line Theory

After living in the midwest my entire life I moved to Portland recently. Thus I am not completely surrounded by morbidly obese binge drinking alcoholics at all times - which is frankly confusing to me since that's all I know and understand.

For instance - one thing that any Bears fan would take for granted is that
From your current location, it will take the same time to get a beer from any of the available options
Let me give you an example - if there is a beer line right by you, it is probably long. If there is one far away, it probably has a shorter line, but it will take you a while to get there (and back). THIS EQUALIZES INSTANTLY BECAUSE ALL DRUNKS ARE CONSTANTLY MONITORING THIS EQUATION. We just take for granted that this is how every human views the world, looking to maximize their booze consumption.

However, in Portland, there are inefficiencies everywhere. I recently was at a show and there were long beer lines and I looked to a different part of the concert hall and there was a short line. This can't be, I thought. If there is a short line, there must be something wrong (like they only have strange alcohol or, God forbid, no booze at all). But I just walked over and got a drink in the short line while all the buffoons stood stock-still in the in-efficient line.

I can't shake this hard-won ability to obtain beer in the most rapid and efficient manner because it is hard wired into my brain after years of midwestern sporting events and bars. Try out this theory next time you go anywhere and you will see for yourself.